Toxic people-they can be unavoidable. They tend to be difficult and cause a lot of conflict. They can be “pot stirrers” and enjoy causing chaos everywhere they go. Having regular contact with toxic people can cause a lot of stress and unpleasantness in your life. You can recognize a toxic person by how you feel before, during, and after your interactions with them. If you feel anxious at the thought of having to interact with that person, feel indifferent or angry/frustrated while interacting with them, or feel emotionally drained and annoyed after-those could be signs that you are interacting with a toxic person. Toxic people love attention and when they no longer get it from you, they will most likely stop trying to interact with you. They are not going to spend their energy on people who are not going to feed their ego. When they can no longer gain from you, they have no use for you.
Signs of a toxic person
Inconsistency can be a major indicator of a toxic person. They are rarely consistent, meaning their behavior can be very erratic. They also never follow through on promises and often make others feel like they have to walk on eggshells since their mood can be so unpredictable. With toxic people there is ALWAYS some kind of drama. They will find anything and everything to be upset about and then complain endlessly about it to anyone that will listen-often leaving others feel absolutely drained. They enjoy causing drama as well. They will often spread rumors, or embellish stories, to upset others and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Toxic people also love attention-any kind of attention. There is no such thing as bad attention in their minds. Toxic people can also be quite manipulative. They will guilt others into believing the things they say, and shame them if they do not do what they want them to do. Again, if they can no longer gain from you, they will have no use for you. Toxic people also believe they are NEVER to blame for anything. Nothing is ever their fault, it’s always a flaw within someone else that causes the issue. That is exhausting to listen to. To put the blame on others always and having no sense of self awareness is a giant red flag.
Helping each other
We need to start being there for each other. We need to be uplifting, positive, and be willing to call others out when they need it. None of us are perfect and we all have our days where when we struggle to keep it together or be positive. We all have things going on in our personal lives or maybe unhappy with where are lives are at at the moment, and that can cause toxic behavior. This is why it is so important that when someone comes into our space and is on their 7th different complaint of the day saying “I have reached my limit for the day with and for my own sake, and yours, how about we talk about something more positive”. If they cannot do that, then let them know you want to help them, but you cannot be their dumping ground anymore. Because here’s the deal-truly toxic people do not want help or solutions. They want to complain and be negative-that’s it. You cannot help someone like that because they will not allow anyone to help them. If you feel that is the case with someone, you have the right to cut them off. To say “I need to be done with you until you decide to be a happier person”. That may not sound like you are helping them, but if enough people say it maybe eventually it will make an impact and they will start to do some self reflecting on their behavior.
Dealing with toxic people
Sometimes it is unavoidable. They can be family members, neighbors, coworkers, people in the same friend group, etc. When you have to interact with them, finding ways to work with them and try to help can be the remedy. Try confronting them-not in a “I’m going to fight them” kind of way, in more of a calling them out kind of way. Saying things like “can you please not complain to me today” or “I cannot listen to you complain anymore, but if you want to have a conversation about something more positive I am happy to engage”. Letting them know their behavior is not acceptable can be very beneficial-they will either realize and start to work on themselves, or they will leave you alone. Try flipping the narrative-when someone is complaining try asking them “what is something good that has happened today” or “tell me something positive about yesterday” and steer the conversation in that direction. If someone is incapable of having a positive conversations ever, that is a problem. Needing to vent is not being toxic, because life gets super difficult sometimes and sometimes we need help to get through things. I just don’t want anyone thinking “I can never complain because that’s being toxic”, no it’s not. Misery loves company. We have all heard that phrase before and it is very true. That’s how toxicity grows and spreads-it’s so much easier to point out the negative things and talk about negative things, but with practice and mindfulness you can curve the conversation into a more positive direction. Next time you are going on a complaining rampage, try to take a second and take a breath and try to get calm. Once you can get calm, it becomes much easier to be positive.
Sometimes avoidance is the answer
Simple as that. Staying away from toxic people may be the answer. I understand in every situation it is not doable (if you live in the same household), but in most instances we can stay away. If there is someone in your life that is toxic and refuses to change, don’t continue carrying them around with you. Be done. At work stop letting them come into your space and fill it full of negativity, it is perfectly acceptable to say “you being negative is starting to affect me and the way I do my job, please don’t come in here anymore unless you are going to be positive”. Sounds a bit harsh and it probably will not go over well, but you have to set that boundary and protect yourself! You owe them nothing, so stop allowing them to feed off of you and allowing them to have a negative impact on your mood. With friendships you can say “I can’t be around _______” and that is not trying to be manipulative, it’s again setting a boundary and protecting yourself. Also with friendships you have a right to cut people off if they no longer hold a positive position in your life. You can be done with them even if your other friends do not want to be done with them. If you feel anxious when you have to be around them-that is a clear sign they are disrupting your peace. You can look at someone and say “please stay out of my life” and be done with them. Setting boundaries and protecting yourself is NOT selfish-but a toxic person is going to try to convince you that it is. Do not take the bait because guess what, that toxic person needs you WAY more than you need them. Be done and move on.
Self Reflection Question
Are there certain people in your life you need to set better boundaries with?
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